Twenty-three years later, my childhood NDE was cast into fuller light. It is this unfolding we now share together.
“He who would know the secret of both worlds, will find the secret of them both, is Love. ~Attar
Love – a simple word, seemingly with infinite complexities.
We define and associate love in myriad ways; attraction, admiration or devotion, affection, enthusiasm or endearment, an amorous episode or copulation. Certainly we classify love as passion and emotion. The list is endless.
Please allow me to share something different; an expansion, if you will… the story of my initial awakening.
Blessings In Disguise
It’s been said to know what is, we first learn what is not. We all experience this in our own ways. Stepping back from the dramas of our lives allows a broader view, and we may find there truly are only blessings, even if at first disguised.
My ‘blessons’ began following the near-death experience. It was unnoticeable at first, just a little ‘something’ beneath the surface which grew gradually over time.
“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take us or spare us.”
~ Marcel Proust
The inability to make sense of the experience was confusing. Explanations and opinions were abundant, yet none corresponded to the actual experience. It was easy enough to cast the whole thing aside as a phenomenon specific to that peculiarly unknown state of being.
Attempts to get others to notice what I had begun seeing or sensing were often met with a smile or compliment for having a vivid imagination; more often a tilted puppy-dog-look as if to emphasize quizzically, “whatchu talkin’ ‘bout?”
Even as a child we quickly understand the value of keeping a closed-lip. Without realizing it we begin to suppress things. After all, maybe everyone was right, maybe it really was just imagination.
Life continued with an active childhood, followed by certain conformity within the so-called ‘normalcy’ of life expected of us; completing school, finding work, buying a car and home, setting-out to find the ‘love of my life’ with whom to live happily-ever-after.
Ever-present, though, were these unanswered questions; what I sensed or saw served as constant reminders of unfinished business. Admittedly, I began to dislike and resent the reminders. Every way I turned to find answers only added more confusion, fringing on outright frustration.
The Perfect Storm
“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” ~ Albert Einstein
We all have intuitive faculties in which we ‘feel’ or sense things. Most likely you’ve entered a room and immediately felt uncomfortable, or had someone tell you something which you somehow ‘knew’ was untrue.
It took some time before recognizing not all thoughts and feelings are our own. Slowly it became apparent humanity in general concealed a hideous secret identity; overly protective and parasitic in nature, often ruthless in application.
While outwardly convincing others to the contrary, hidden beneath the surface was an entirely different story. Beyond everyone’s facade I felt a horrific creature empowered by sadness, sorrow, fear, doubt, distrust; almost always with ulterior motives. I couldn’t take it anymore, nor could I pretend it didn’t exist.
It didn’t happen overnight, but silently brewed until a recognition emerged which could no longer be avoided. Gradually I had awoken to find myself in pure agony and intense unhappiness.
The Battle Cry
After selling my condo, a younger brother and I rented a townhome together. The complex, perched atop a hill bordered by a dense layer of trees, overlooked one of the busiest intersections in town.
It was a hot, steamy Friday night; traffic bustling with summer activity. On the patio, dripping from the humidity I waged war.
“Love has brought you to the moment when you can choose it without fear.” ~Jalalud’din Rumi
Everything had proven false; beliefs and philosophies, opinions and theories, ideas and concepts were no longer good enough. If there was an origin (insert whatever terminology you feel comfortable with) to which we owe existence, I reckoned I damn-well had a right to know the truth.
While outwardly silent – something we all become expert at – I screamed on the inside with every fiber of my being. Veins bulged from my head to my feet. I was certain any moment I’d explode into oblivion and that was perfectly okay with me. I wanted truth, or death.
I blasted the universe for every wrong-doing ever observed; every deception, manipulation, back-stabbing, act of greed and untruth committed by anyone against anyone. Finally exhausting all examples to blame life for, I slumped in the chair, and cried.
It felt as if every sadness, despair, sorrow, loss, betrayal and hopelessness ever felt by anyone was channeling through me. How could such emptiness exist in life? What kind of cruel joke was this?
In time there was nothing left. No response had come forth. It was over. Nothing existed ‘out there’ listening or caring. Defeated, I sat as a comatose zombie, empty of thought or feeling.
The More I Empty Myself, the More Life Fills Me
“To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” ~Lao Tzu
The traffic noise below vanished, replaced with a single, faint sound originating to the left of me.
Without bothering to lift my head, I focused my hearing faculties towards it. The sound slowly came into focus as if piercing the veil of a deep sleep, finally recognizable as a bird.
For perhaps the first time a bird’s song had become the most profoundly beautiful music to ever reach my awareness. It surprised me to be possible, that it was even left in me, but I cried even harder.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.” ~Jalalud’din Rumi
Eventually raising my head, wiping away tears gushing from my eyes and streaming down my face, I strained to see into the shadows of the trees to find this little creature awakening me from a lifeless trance.
It was too dark, but it didn’t matter. Somehow, from somewhere inside me, an overwhelming sense of gratitude arose for this little Being of Life.
Still clearing away an endless river of tears, my gaze turned to the darkness of a moonless night. Only a few stars outshone the aura of city lights reflected by the dense, humid air. One light in particular stood out as it seemed to be moving; just as quickly I tossed the observation aside as a distant plane.
My chin once again found my chest as reality set in; somehow I would have to reconcile the fact that nothing exists ‘out there’ to care. “No wonder everyone feels as they do”, I thought to myself; “they’ve known this all along.”
Light Emerges When Unrestrained
“It is the darkness that makes us look for light.”
~ Swami Satchidananda
A thought crossed my mind; the light I so quickly dismissed as an airplane was not on a flight path for this area.
Curiosity returned my attention to the night sky. That particular light was indeed moving; it was closer. ‘Maybe a helicopter,’ I thought, ‘but I can’t hear it and there are no blinking lights.’
Puzzled, I began gauging the light’s movement in relation to the blackened silhouette of the trees. “My mind is playing tricks on me” I stated aloud, shaking my head forcefully to snap back to a meaningless reality. As if a magnet, I could not turn away.
The light drew closer, larger and brighter. I noticed there was no longer sound from anywhere, not even the bird. Even the shadow of the trees and all peripheral vision had vanished; there was only this… light.
“Let nothing come between you and the light.”
~Henry David Thoreau
Spherical in shape, it seemed brighter than the sun, yet I could look straight at it. It glistened an iridescently, crystalline white, like you might imagine moon-dust of fairy tales, but with golden hues of shimmering strands woven throughout. It was… amazing.
That’s when it happened…
At first it felt as if someone had very tenderly wrapped me in a warm, soft blanket. A profound comfort seeped into me in a tremendously delicate manner.
It was as if some strange, yet remarkably soothing energy was coursing throughout my body and mind, dissolving every dis-ease and imbalance, even the numbness within me…
Permeating me, smoothing away all discord throughout me, it intensified until every atom of every cell in my body vibrated with aliveness, unlike anything I had experienced before… except… wait…
“This is what I felt when I died!”
“My body is flooded with the flame of Love. My soul lives in a furnace of bliss.” ~ Kabīr
A completeness and all-encompassing softness bathed me, filling me to overflowing.
It is beyond words; a pureness of acceptance to the very core of your being. An embrace which permeates throughout your entirety; warmly, welcomingly, compassionately, vibrating with aliveness…
This time I knew what it was; I had a word for it… Love…
A more profound Love than is imaginable. Beyond all associations or attributes we can conjure with the mind. It wasn’t an emotion or passion, not even a ‘thing’ one can accurately articulate…
It is the very vibrancy of Life Itself; radiant, intelligent, everywhere present and all-inclusive. It’s like returning home from the depths of infinity and unknowingness.
Love, so brilliantly radiant, enveloped me within a core-melting welcome and profound embrace. It was so easy to surrender, bathed so completely within its warm, flowing vibrancy.
A transformation occurred; I was now me but not me; an observer and the observed. The experience unfolded around and within me, yet I lay witness from a vantage point outside of me. Thoughts arose, yet I observed me having them.
“I was dead, now I am alive. I was in tears, now I am laughing. The power of love swept over my soul – now I am that eternal power.“ ~Rumi
I was alive, truly alive; vibrating with the very life-force of Love. There was no beginning or end to me, no boundaries existed to confine or define me; yet, there was a ‘me’ present which experienced, and a ‘me’ which observed it all, simultaneously.
Journey of The Central Sun (short version)
The words ‘Central Sun’ arose from… somewhere. From this glistening radiance, two rays of light suddenly extended forth, side-by-side. My consciousness seemed pulled as they extended farther and farther away from their Source.
I witnessed myself considering how these two rays of light were not separate from their Source or each other, but were indeed the Source, Itself; the same Love, the same radiance, the same vibrancy, the same Life.
Into total darkness these two rays of Source Light extended, until no longer was the Central Sun within my periphery. It didn’t matter, I knew they were the Source; there is no separation possible.
“Love is the One who masters all things.” ~Jalalud’din Rumi
Within me, a sensation of moving, flying, very fast! With no reference point other than these two rays of Source Light, I was just beginning to feel disoriented, even a tinge of nausea, when in the distance “…is that?!”… the thought never finished…
In an instant I was flying through the Milky Way Galaxy. A hum-like sound was present, somewhere, everywhere; “surrounding me or filling me? “ Perhaps a vibration or musical chorus… I don’t know… unlike anything I have heard before.” The thoughts swirled though me, yet not me, rather the ‘me’ which I now observed.
Joyfully I recognized no need to define anything. Lights whooshed past me as radiant streaks of harmonic chorus. My consciousness or my body, I was no longer sure which, gleefully adrift within Love’s vibrancy.
As if pulling me in tow, these two rays of Light raced on. There in the distance, “the solar…” we were there before the thought completed. More joy filled me.
Observing me observe, these rays of Source Light touch upon the Earth, enlightening her into a magnificently brilliant gem; radiantly aglow, vibrating, pulsating, alive, aware…
The Life Chorus, Individualizes
“Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.” ~Lao Tzu
As if a violinist slowly easing her bow across a single string, a sustained vibration emerged from the Earth, transforming into a harmonized chorus, echoing its reverberation throughout the cosmos like ripples expanding across a glass-like calm pond.
Observing, I witnessed ‘me’ considering all of the implications of what was transpiring…
Suddenly, the two rays transformed into two shimmering, golden spheres; somehow I recognized one as electric light, the other as magnetic love.
These two radiant spheres adjoined one another, a Sacred Marriage of The Beloveds, Love and Light, within which a star appeared… birthed… swirling into an array of colors more magnificent than a rainbow.
I observed myself remembering these same shapes and fields of light from my childhood death experience; this time recognizing the geometric shapes and somehow sensing meaning of the swirling energy… yet, unprepared for what happened next…
“There is a power in me that knows what to do and how to do it.” ~Ernest Holmes
As if a microscope being zoomed-in I was suddenly within the star, face-to-face with you, me, trees, birds, animals, flowers, mountains, rivers, planets, stars… an entire cosmos!
Birthed from within this Living Star, consciousness gave form to Itself within swirling fields of electro-magnetic Love and Light… the ‘stuff’ of Creation.
Out of the cosmos the Source of Love and Light focused upon a point in which an entirely new cosmos was birthed, one within another, yet inseparably One.
“All things are our relatives; what we do to everything, we do to ourselves.” ~Native American Proverb
In what seemed a single moment, multiple revelations surfaced; thoughts raced through their significance… yet simultaneously merely observing…
You… are an extension of Divine Light, emanating from the Source of Light.
You… are an expansion of Divine Love, reverberating from the Source of Love.
You… have never been separate from your Source or from anything else, for such false notions exist only within the illusory confines of thought.
You… are not your thoughts, nor your body; for all of that resides within a grander Self which exists beyond such limited constraints.
“Life is a pure flame, and we live by an invisible sun within us.” ~Sir Thomas Browne
We are the Light of Love’s Radiance clothed temporally within the substance of Earth, vibrating to our own unique key-note, reverberating ripples throughout Infinity…
More than merely connected, we’re the same radiant vibrancy of Love pulsating throughout All That Is…
“Judge ye not lest ye be judged” – for to judge another is to judge oneself; we are the same Light, the same Love, breathing the same air filled with the same Life-force, dancing within the same vibrancy of Love’s harmonic chorus…
Individualized as an expression of One Love’s Light, a Sun resides within us from which we further extend, expand and express Source through us, unto the whole of the cosmos and thus unto ourselves; the Sacred Hoop of self-fulfilling Love.
“So God created man in his own image…” ~Genesis 1:27
Without any sense of judgment as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative, I observed how the Light flowing through us is colored; tainted with every thought, emotion, word, action, belief, intention and expectation we project; no longer the brilliancy of which we are extended.
I heard and felt the tonality of our key-notes transform, from what I can only describe as an angelically chorused harmonic, to a dampened or muted dullness, yet still does it ripple throughout the entirety of the cosmos.
“What was said to the rose that made it open was said to me here in my chest.” ~Jalalud’din Rumi
Just as a hint of sadness began to creep into my awareness, recognizing how adversely we alter Love’s brilliant vibrancy, I heard…
“Beloved Infinite Eternal, THAT ’ I AM.
“Of thought alone dreams separation – In Heart all One unfolds Wholeness Awakened, THAT ’ I AM.
“Feel ye the dreams of all, for thou art all; yet not thy dreams art thou.
“Within thy Heart ye awaken from dreams thou art not, unto Unfolding Wholeness thou art, THAT ’ I AM.
“Hear ye Infinite Eternal rejoice, echoing joyous vibrancy throughout all thou art, THAT ’ I AM.
See ye Infinite Eternal radiance, shone from within throughout all thou art, THAT ’ I AM.
“Attune within from whence all thou art streams forth Infinite Eternal, THAT ’ I AM.
“Awaken within ye arise in Radiance and Harmony, THAT ’ I AM.
“Thou art loved, for Thou art Love, THAT ’ I AM.”
“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek & find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Jalalud’din Rumi
… Without a clear point of distinction, the activity of summer’s traffic returned to my awareness, secondary and muffled behind the sweet, angelic vibrancy of life echoing from the birds’ life-song once again hidden within the trees silhouette.
Lingering within my mind, a single imprint remained…
“The choice underling all choices; continue dreaming an illusory self – or – awaken to allowance of glowing harmonic unfoldment of thy Beloved Infinite Eternal… THAT ’ I AM.”
“… Love has no other desire but to fulfill Itself.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
Blessings and Love, Always, in All Ways,
“The Divine Incarnation is inherent in our nature… The question is, how much of this Reality are we going to express in our own lives?” ~Ernest Holmes
Copyright © 2009 – GreatOwl